Friday, December 20, 2013

Looking for Terminus

Having just taken my last set of high school finals ever, I am, unsurprisingly, thinking about endings.

I spent the afternoon doing nothing productive: eating food I didn't need to eat, looking at merchandise in stores from which I will not buy, that kind of thing. But I can't bring myself to regret it, and I wonder if I have finally caught senioritis.

My motto is "Fear complacency," and today I was complacent. Yet I wonder--is that really the best way to live, always looking to what you could be doing better? Surely it is, in most cases. But when do you get to take a break?

Last night I just about finished all my remaining college essays (may need to do some final revisions next week--I really hope not). This morning, my dad suggested to me that I should apply to additional schools and that not doing so jeopardizes my chances of getting into a good school and, since those things are inextricably correlated in the parent's mind, having a successful life.

"You want to know that you've always done the best you can," he said, as I sat, irrationally infuriated, at the breakfast table. "What if you end up having to settle for a school that's not the very best you could have gone to?"

The worst part about disagreeing with parents is that they don't listen. The second-worst (see my priorities? You knew you were reading a bratty teenager's blog) is that you know they just want the best for you.

I laid out my reasons for not wanting to apply to more schools: I have a diversified portfolio already, I'm probably going to get accepted into at least one or two of my targets, I will, in fact, have options. Furthermore, I argued that it was a moot point because my school wouldn't be able to turn around the transcript request that quickly.

Also, I mentioned that the best time to bring up additional schools was a month and a half ago (incidentally: how, exactly, does getting deferred to RD from MIT change ANYTHING? This is a good sign, damn it. Am I a failure for not getting in EA? <- rhetorical question, answer = no).

But I held back my real reason because I know it doesn't hold up against the You're Never Good Enough eye of the parental unit. I don't want to apply to another school because I am tired. I am sick of writing essays, sick of forking over fees for the sundry application parts, sick of slaving over the 250 words that, so the reasoning goes, will make or break my future.

This semester has been too damn long. It needs to end.

The problem with the philosophy "always do your very best" is that sometimes doing your best doesn't make sense. I didn't study nearly as much as I could have for finals this year, because it would not have been an efficient use of my time. And applying to another school when I already have enough targets doesn't make sense either.

(This is me trying to justify my emotional reasons for not wanting to do stuff by finding actual reasons. [Because apparently for me emotional reasons != actual reasons...interesting.])

I have to leave in a few minutes, so here is what I think my point is:

-

endeavor.start()

if "worth it" in endeavor_qualities:
    endeavor.do_your_best()
else:
    endeavor.do_what_you_need()

endeavor.end()

--

"And that is my rant for today." --King of Sparta

Will be on vacation next week; posts shall be scheduled.

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