Friday, May 31, 2013

Intense Ambivalence on the Threshold

In about five hours I will be a senior. I can't quite process it, even though yesterday I spent a good ten minutes debating with my friends whether we're seniors after we finish our last finals, after the class above us graduates (my view), or when we register for classes. Even though I spent yesterday afternoon lounging on the library's rooftop garden just shooting the breeze. Even though last night I wandered the streets after watching Mulan II (inferior to the original) with my best friend looking for constellations. Summer has started, meaning the school year has ended, but I'm still in battle mode, still surrounded by paper and anxious about college apps and band business and...

I read all my yearbook signings yesterday. A few sat ill with me, because some people I really have drifted away from and it feels strange seeing their generic "hope you have a great summer"s and signatures alongside the messages from my Trombone Brethren and my squire (now a knight in her own right) and the friends with whom I studied calc BC (an experience highly conducive to bonding).

I talked to my sister, who just finished her freshman year of college, and I wondered which of the friends I have now will still keep in touch five, ten years down the line. I wondered who is thrown to me by chance and whom chance will once again take away; I wondered if I'd end up running into some of these people no matter where I started.



The seniors are all leaving. That includes the Best Person Ever and the rest of the senior band staff; the rest of the seniors in band, semicolon; my friend that I met when I was a freshman in bio who looks as though she could live in a fairy tale; the girl in my Italian class whom I've always looked up to; the president of math club...they will go to college and I will say that I miss them and maybe I will, but then I'll probably forget about them and they shall pass out of my life without a sound.

I'm not ready to be a senior. I fear college apps and rejections, and I fear losing the excuses that have kept me complacent for the first seventeen years of my life. I fear responsibility and the entry into the real world. I fear having to find a working camera for the scavenger hunt, and I fear having to call uniform suppliers, and I fear. In general, I am afraid.



I'm on band staff again, and I adore all the other members, and I am going to be a captain.

My school is starting a robotics team and I've been put in the programming division under a good friend and with some of the smartest and funniest people I know.

Applied math club has a manifesto and lots of new members and we will have fun.

This summer, my best friend and I are going to make Protagonist Club happen. She's going to teach me about plants, since I can't even differentiate between an oak and a sycamore.

I have plans to read a lot and write a lot and get better at things.

I have a one-week job as a tutor for newcomers to the AP program.

The world is never going to run out of interesting things to investigate and read about and think about and discuss, and I don't have to worry about where to start because I figured that out last week: first I'm going to read about those whom I feel are my mana personalities (about which more anon), then I'm going to read from a list of science books various friends have recommended, and mythology, and...

I'll probably be okay.


In about ten minutes I'm going to start getting together what I need for graduation. Then I will walk to school, and I will carry out the Baroness and a music stand, and I will sit down and tune up and play Pomp and Circumstance and talk to my section and read The Prince and clap for the seniors I will miss (see above) and play Trumpet Voluntary and go home and cry and go to the band staff dinner and come home and write about Orsolya Markov kicking ass. And I will be a senior, and I'd say that I will be in a state of metamorphosis if it didn't feel as though I am always in the process of transformation. Perhaps I am.


  1. Yeah senior, I think you'll be ok.

    Best of luck to you for the coming adventures, you know next year someone will be sad cause their favourite senior is going off to an amazing college and they'll miss you.
    Circle of life.

    1. Thank you. I still haven't completely processed it all but I'm getting there.