Friday, February 1, 2013

Let Go

Note: another somewhat personal post. Skip to Antonella's quote for the good advice.

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At sixteen I am already encrusted in barnacles. I am interested in removing them.

Last week I wrote about what last year I called foci, with the essential message being to choose only one or two things on which to spend most of your time/effort. The implication: everything that is not one of the foci must go.

Okay, not everything. But choice implies subtraction (I feel as though I am paraphrasing someone there). Choose what's important and, by extension, less important.

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On Saturday, I went to my first high school dance. We had a big group, about fifteen people. The least embarrassing way I can think of to put my situation honestly: I have for months been wondering if I like someone, and I had felt in the weeks leading up that one way or another, I'd figure out what I really felt after the dance. I did. My crush ended peaceably, and I feel much freer for it.

A few months ago, I bought a book from my library's book sale: The Book of Runes, by Ralph Blum. I intended it for research into magic systems, but because I am me I read it with an eye to application.

Throughout this week, whenever I've been feeling indecisive, I flip open a random page in a book and based on the page number consult the rune book. *

On Sunday I got 5, which corresponds to the rune Uruz. Says Blum:
Growth and change...involve passage into darkness...Prepare, then, for opportunity disguised as loss. It could involve the loss of someone or something to which there is an intense emotional bond, and through which you are living a part of your life, a part that must now be retrieved so you can live it out for yourself. (94)

For me, this week, that has meant letting go of my daydreams of the future or a nonexistent present. There is the dance business, and that bonny lad whom I have decided to think of as a friend (not "just" a friend, because a friend is an incredible thing in itself), and there is also the choking expectations I used to have for college. Yesterday I realized that I'm probably not going to get into my dream school (MIT) and that that is okay, that I will be fine wherever I go as long as I'm doing something I love.

I really can't say it better than this:

Spend time with yourself, decide who you are, what parts of you are your own. Drop the others. Find your center. Take control of your own serenity. Don’t put too much in other people’s hands. The only person who is always going to be there with you, every second of every day till your very last breath is yourself. So get to know you, be comfortable with who you are and start counting on yourself. Count on yourself for the little things and count on yourself to make you happy, count on yourself to be strong. Know that you can count on yourself for anything that may come your way. Count on yourself more than you count on anyone else. You are the only one who can give you a 100% chance of never disappointing yourself. And with that I don’t mean ‘never count on others’, no way. You should love, deeply. But don’t forget yourself, don’t put all your happiness in someone else’s hands. Love fiercely, but don’t lose yourself in the process.


Emphasis mine. Why put your happiness out of your own control? Why give up a portion of your power to others? You - yes, you, you with the face and the dreams - you suffice.

Have a good weekend.

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*If anyone is seriously interested in the formula, I can append it.

2 comments:

  1. Honey thank you :)
    i'm sorry for yuor crush, but a friend is a lot more worthy than a crush so it sounds like you gained something here.
    Don't sell yourself short about school though! are you doing everything yuo possibly can to get into MIT? and is it *really* your dream? if the answers are TRULY yes and yes then be serene, because whatever happens you'll have no regrets. And remember you can count on yourself, you are the only one with the power to make things happen for yourself...i mean there is so much that is out of our hands, but anything that you *can* do to get where you want to be, you do it as best you can and things will happen!

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    1. Sorry for the late reply, and thank you for your encouraging words! I think one of the things that causes me grief is the thought "am I really doing all I can or am I too lazy to reach my full potential?" The answer to that, I suppose, is always just keep trying to improve.

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