Friday, November 16, 2012

Delta

(Somewhat of a rambling post today. I have a lot of thoughts I haven't yet sorted out to my satisfaction.)

I am always in the process of putting my house in order - to-do lists proliferate with unseemly haste - so now that football season is over, I'm starting to look forward to a more regular schedule.

But I wonder: Newton's first law notwithstanding, is it natural to live in a state of flux? Looking ahead, I can see that the next ten years are going to be full of change: college, graduate school, working and living on my own in the real world. To be honest, it scares me sometimes.

Dangerous side effects include acute apathy: nothing I do will matter in ten years, so why bother? Why should I get worked up over a grade in a class that's not relevant to my future? Why should I bother myself about people I'm probably not going to see again after I graduate?

Yes, I should take a philosophical view when people annoy me. But I still can't stomach the "everything is futile" mindset. I do believe that what I do matters. Maybe not the tests I take, but what I think and learn and create.

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"Don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-Howard Thurman

See also: Jungian concept of individuation, Justine Musk.

As long as I am doing something that fires my enthusiasm, that makes me feel joy, then it matters. And the unavoidable boring stuff is just fuel for my stories, or my (personal) story.

Thus: change is good, so long as it brings me new experiences to enjoy or to stack up like firewood, or to absorb into my character. But routine days, dependable schedules, are also necessary so that I get the chance to pause and process what's going on.

Admittedly, a high school student has little business talking about getting her life together - as I said before, everything is going to be different in ten years; any stability I establish now will be wiped out later. Except stability inside of myself, because I'm going to be the one living through the changes.

So, what is my point after all? Evolve but keep what works? I am dubious about elan vital, or fate, or anything of the like...time keeps going, and all endings are the same. I don't agree with that.

The things you do matter. Your stories, and the story of you. Perhaps this is not the best way to end a post; but I shall hit publish anyway, because closed systems are subject to entropy and only by getting this stuff out there can I hope for any resolution.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

2 comments:

  1. I felt exactly the same way at your age, and still feel like that on many things now...ten years from now a mark on a single exam is not going to matter ANYthing, most of the acquaintances in my life right now are NOT going to be there in ten years..what's the point of making such an effort for that single exam if it's not going to matter anything? why spend time cultivating acquaintances...still what you do NOW imo does matter, maybe one single exam of one single subject you don't like won't matter, but school in general actually does matter, it gives you the faundation to build something on, whatever you may want to become. And maybe cultivating acquaintances takes away your precious time, but think about the potential, maybe one of those acquintances can become someone really important, someone who's still going to be there ten years from now. Anyways, what i totally agree with is the fact that whatever you do, even when you are stuck in a routine 5 days out of 7, it has to matter to your story, in the grand scheme of things even your routine is going to be part of your story and it is not true that high-school routine doesn't matter, that in high-school 'you have little business talking about getting your life together'...it actually matters a whole lot, inside this routine you have to find the time to know what you want to do next, what you want to become, who you are. High-school time is a time of some pretty big choices. No pressure girl! Just keep on the introspection and pursue what makes you feel alive :)

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    1. Ah, so it's like "you may not realize it now but what you're doing is going to be important later". Hm. I like that way of thinking - nothing is wasted. Thank you.

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